Little by Little

...I am falling apart.

Gee, sounds emo. Like, whatever already. Because today has been a shitty crappy fucked up bubbly day. Maybe I shouldn't have promised my sis that I wouldn't use any of those words. I can break my promise, cos I see promises getting broken everyday around me. But I wouldn't break my promise, cos my sis is first & the last person I'd trust despite her seeming flighty-ness. And also because both of us know too well the pain of promises getting thrown away like rubbish.

Things started out well & then went downhill. Maybe I'm looking too deep into things, maybe I'm biased, maybe I'm just me. Maybe I'm cynical, maybe I hope too much for the best.

Maybes don't work. I've learnt that the hard way.

It's just so hard to stay ahead, to concentrate when so many things are happening at once. And worse still, you don't understand a single bit of it. What I'm saying applies to EVERYTHING, not just studies.

Education is a pain in the butt. I'm so so SO sick of studying just for the sake of passing my exams, to get to J2, to get a f-scholarship [I didn't say the 'f' word out loud], to get a good job. To hell with that. But I can't even enjoy playing around with my guitar now, I can't stand the fact that I'm losing precious time to play the guitar when I could be studying Dynamics or APGP.

I can't stand the fact that I'm blogging instead of writing out the Chinese compo but what I do know is that without venting out whatever I have inside me, I'd prolly have a breakdown. I mean, I'm close to tears already & I hate this. The feeling of weakness, of utter uselessness.

I want to study cos I like the subject, I have a passion for it & I want to do well in it so that I'll be proud of myself. I want to study & do well, not because my parents expect good grades, no, but because I.... I dunno. I'm so lost. I really don't know what to do, what to expect of myself. What to think, what to feel, what to say.

How to act. I'm a nothing now, truly a nothing. I'm not asking for words of empathy, or words of compassion or encouragement or anything. Just let me be. Not like there's anything anyone can do, this is something I've gotta solve by myself. As usual. Alone.

I don't think this is one of my mood swings, I think it'll last. God knows how long.

Goodbye.