Only In Hopes Of Dreaming...

BLAH. I suppose I have no one to blame, but myself. :| still, it's bloody irritating to hear them harping on your failures with a tone of superiority.

Sheesh, I know that I'm a total embarrassment in their eyes. I can never measure up to the standards that my ex-classmates, my cousins, their friends' children, so on & so forth, have set. All those bright shining stars that are Rafflesians, HwaChongs, Victorians, NJCians, TJCians... I'm really sorry that they can't be as proud of me as of, say, my little sister who can get 95/100 for Chinese spelling & moan to them at the dinner table that she knew she could get full marks if not for the momentary blank-out of her mind, and they would give an indulgent smile & say, "Oh it's okay, there's next week's test to get 100% for.".

I don't want to think of the consequences if I told them I had blank-outs during the Physics papers, and parts of the Math papers.

They've got this funny idea in their head that the more diligently you study, the smarter & more successful you'll be. Gosh. I'm like an anomaly that goes against their firm beliefs. Math & KI were such phark-ups. Well, since I didn't study 24/7, from their perspective, that equates to not studying diligently. And hence, it was inevitable that I didn't get straight As.

If they see me as a lousy daughter, just SAY it out loud already. Tell me in my face, bluntly, that I've let them down terribly, I should be ashamed of myself, I should reflect upon my actions for the past 2 years, I should have listened to them & applied for Temasek JC instead, I should have made better friends (pffft, who are THEY to say?) & I should've shut myself at home to study from the moment the study period started. Then again, I guess they've been telling me all that & more since March 2007 but I was stubborn. I do admit that I was wrong in certain areas but their bull-headedness regarding other matters irks the hell out of me.

Which brings me to a touchy subject. My friends. Oh, they're a-okay with the SAC girls, no problem. But when it comes to TPJC... it's a whole different matter. Firstly, they never had a good impression of the JC of my choice. Secondly, they're slightly prejudiced against other races. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a multi-racial group of friends, in fact, I prefer it. And just because their friends are 98% Chinese (2% being their colleagues of other races), doesn't mean that my circle of friends has to be that way too.

Chinese have the bengs & lians, if their bright yellow skinnies & tight graphic tops failed to catch their attention. Gawd, sometimes the only difference btwn the mats & bengs (and their female counterparts) in terms of their dressing & behaviour is their skin colour. And that means dipshit. All races have their fair share of ugly people, and narrow-minded people see only a small part of the spectrum.

Also, contrary to what they think, there ARE nice people in my JC & some teachers are good too. At this age, I'd think that they trust me more to pick my own friends. They made my primary school days a disaster concerning friends, I don't ever want a repeat of that. I'm upset when they make unkind remarks about my TPJC pals because I know my friends are not what the Ps make them out to be.

Thing is, I can't say anything to change their views. Why? Because us Chinese have to respect our elders no matter what. Which translates to no talking back, no voicing out your opinions if it differs from theirs, etc. Sometimes, I hate sticklers for tradition, or rather the rigidity of tradition itself.

But you know what? It's fine if they direct their resentment & unhappiness concerning my grades at me, only me. They don't have to make snide little remarks that my sister should not go out to study "because it is unproductive & will not help you get good grades". I can hear the underlying meanings perfectly fine. Hello, because I screwed up doesn't mean that other people, or my sister, will screw up. I think she's got what it takes to do well, wherever she is.

I know that they're also concerned about my future. Yet, that doesn't make things easier in any way.

Look, I'm not being over-sensitive. It's just the way things are in this household. Nothing can be changed. We'll try to talk things over first, then all the bitterness creeps into the conversation & in a snap, melodrama ensues, including the hysterics. I try not to be sarcastic, but really, when dumb things that don't make a single iota of sense are said, I have to say something to point it out. Since saying it out loud means I'm rude to my elders, the next best thing is to hint at it. Of course, I could always shut up but that means I'll be giving them the impression that I agree with them, and usually, I don't agree with biased viewpoints, or... some stuff they say.

Oh yes, how can I forget this? Somehow, some groups of people have been thinking that I go out every single damn day. If only. Well, there are weeks when I've got things planned daily & I go out. But please, not all year round. They complain when I go out to meet friends. They complain when I use the comp at night to talk to friends. They complain when my phone bills are high cos I text too often. They complain if I stay out too late (i.e. past 9.30pm). If I don't do anything, how the hell am I supposed to stay in touch with friends!?

I could ALWAYS do it their way; which is once a year during CNY season. Ooooh, lovely. And it's not like I enjoy going out daily (the expenses! GASP.). Let's see, there are SACians, the Pigs (aka food people), the guitar people, the guitar people I'm closer to (and this has several groups), other TPJCians... Many different people, okay? Many. And I like my friends a lot too. I'm not about to drift away from them anytime soon.

There's also the oh-so-appealing idea of becoming a hermit.

Yes, I'm taking some things to the extreme cos the frustration has been pent up since the Stone Age. And if you haven't understood anything, it's a rant. It can be as incoherent as I want it to be.